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Landing in Belgium
By
Elaine Rodger
I saw a movie a long time ago about a couple who had a child with Down syndrome. The mother said it was like getting on a plane for Paris and landing in Belgium. I wrote this piece about my journey with my mom and Alzheimer's.
Musings on my long journey with Alzheimer's — I got on a plane for France and it landed in Belgium — at first I was afraid, I didn't know the language, I didn’t know the people, I didn't know my way around. Then I got angry — I didn't ask for this — why did this happen to me. I don't want to be here. Then came denial — they were not supposed to send me here it is not my fault, I have a right to be mad. I want to be in France. I don't want to be all alone here. Then I took stock of what I had, I could organize, I could made things happen, I could be persistent, I was a survivor. I made some people very angry. I remembered the words of a wise man 'look for the good in others' — he was born on Christmas day over 2000 years ago. I also remembered a contemporary sage saying 'it is a good life, be kind to one another'. And oh how the world would be a better place if only more kindness.
I made some mistakes along the way, in fact I really screwed up at times with angry actions or outbursts that caused myself and others pain for reacting harshly because I was fatigued, or exhausted or feeling no support or just plain bitchy. I found that when you send anger out into the world it comes back to you twofold. I had many moments of regret and many moments of bitter thoughts about myself. Finally acceptance, I thought maybe there is a lesson here, maybe I can take this opportunity to learn something about me. Maybe I can grow as a person. Maybe things happen for a reason, maybe I could learn something about myself. I didn't always like what I saw but I kept going because if I didn't I would never get home and I didn’t want to be stuck in a place I didn't like. I thought if I made the best of it things might get better.
After struggling for a couple of years I finally found my way back. But I had to realize first that at least while I was there I might as well get to know the place. I found it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, in fact I even had fun and laughed a few times. I even met some really nice people who were kind and generous always ready to offer some comfort and refuge. In fact I began to look for the good in people instead of expecting them to be who I wanted them to be. I also learned most of us have a lot of good but sometimes the dark side comes out. I learned a true friend will forgive and a true friend will apologize. I also learned that other people make mistakes they regret. I learned when to let go and when to try harder. I learned you can only save yourself and give support to those who don't want help or feel worth saving. I learned that just because some people will not like you it does not mean you are not a caring person, a human being with frailties. They may see something in you that reminds them of their frailties. This works both ways. I finally learned we all have our own journeys and have to find our own path, whether or not we ask for directions is entirely up to us. There are lots of signs along the way. We cannot blame others for our failures, mistakes and detours along the way — just accept responsibility for what is ours. I learned there is a still a fulfilling life, even when you find yourself in a place you don't want to be.
© Elaine Rodger 2006
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