I
Know...
By
Judi Woodcock
I
know this is a simple thing that's done without a plan
but now I have to think and think...and think and think
again
and I'm afraid I'll lose the steps, and have to start again
I
know this has a name, and everybody knows it
but the words get mixed up in my head, I cannot sort them
out
and I'm afraid, although I try, that I will never find
it
I
know this has a place, it's been there 20 years
but I don't know where it is, or how to look to find it
and I'm afraid next time I look, it won't be there at all
I
know this is familiar, they say I've done it all my life
but I can't remember doing it, or if I liked or loathed
it
and I'm afraid I'll lose it all again tomorrow
I
know where I was going, tho' what I meant to do is gone
but suddenly I'm no longer there, and aimless now
and I'm afraid I have no path or purpose left
I
know I have a place that's fading -- in life, society
and home
but I'm uncertain now, how long I'll get to keep it
and I'm afraid of where I'll be when I no longer fit
I
know we had a nice long chat of gardens, kids and weather
but who he is or how I knew him when?...that all escapes
me now
and I'm afraid that everyone I know's become a stranger
I
know I have a wife, and I know her name is Betty
but sometimes when I speak of her to others, she says her
name is Betty
and I'm afraid when who she is eludes me tho' I've loved
her 60 years
I
know that she is crying, that it's me who caused the
flow
but I don't know what I've said or done, or how I've hurt
her so
and I'm afraid the gentle man I was has now become a monster
I
know I shouldn't do this, do this, do this, I don't know
why I do
but I can't stop myself again, again, again, although I
want to
and I'm afraid one day I'll stay in circles evermore
I
know the anger overtakes me, makes me scream and shout
but I know not why it shakes me, turns me mean and loud
and I'm afraid I can't control myself or how my life will
go
I
know the world is out there, so unfamiliar now
but am I really in it, or in another space somehow?
and I'm afraid of all the darkness closing in
I
know that time is marching, and seasons come and pass
but what day or month or hour's a blur of emptiness
and I'm afraid of sitting still to watch it move away from
me
I
know my time grows shorter, and I will find my peace
but who will speak my eulogy? will those who hear it care?
and I'm afraid, afraid to be in a world where no one knows
me
I
know that if I think, therefore I am, I live and am complete
but the meanings of my thoughts get lost, as I go down
the street
and I'm afraid that if I can't, therefore I'm not
I
know...at least I think I know...sometimes I know I knew
it yesterday...
but I'm no longer certain...is yesterday today?
and I'm afraid that by tomorrow I won't even know I ever
knew
I
know there's beauty in the music, I've loved it all my
life
but the noises in my head distort the song, and shatter
the refrain
and I'm afraid I'll never hear the way it should be heard
again
March
7, 2001
© Judi
Woodcock 2001
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